


The Mighty Tin Soldier of Boosh

by Voltaikura



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Comedy, Fairy Tale Elements, Fairy Tale Retellings, M/M, Romance, cameos from other characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:48:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29258460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voltaikura/pseuds/Voltaikura
Summary: A re-telling of "The Steadfast Tin Soldier" with characters from "The Mighty Boosh".
Relationships: Howard Moon/Vince Noir
Kudos: 3





	The Mighty Tin Soldier of Boosh

**Author's Note:**

> Special big thank you to YunalescaHeartilly for being my awesome beta reader!! ʚ♡⃛ɞ(ू•ᴗ•ू❁)  
> And no thank you to Bob Fossil for being such a hard character to write. The Moon's nonsense ramblings were also quite hard for me to write.
> 
> Yes, I did change the ending considerably. I couldn't give Howie and Vince a sad ending, it's just not done for me.

Come with us now on a journey through time and space, to a 1930’s toy factory in England that made tin soldiers. 

In this factory, a fresh batch of 25 soldiers was just made. They all had the same muskets, and they all wore the same red and white uniforms with impressive hats. They had different hair and face shapes to set them apart, but for the most part they all looked the same. There was one soldier who stood out from his box-mates. His name was Vince, at least that’s what it said on the bottom of his stand, and he was the only tin soldier who had one leg.

A spoiled little boy from an affluent family named Dixon Bainbridge received the soldiers as a birthday present. Dixon set the soldiers on a table with all his other toys. The most spectacular of the other toys was a miniature castle made of wood with a miniature garden in the front that was decorated with trees, flowers, and a piece of blue glass meant to represent a lake. The most spectacular thing about the castle, as far as Vince was concerned, was a porcelain dancer wearing a white dress and white ballet shoes. He had a moustache that more resembled a cappuccino stain above his lips, and he looked unhappy, but Vince thought his grumpy pouty face was adorable. One of his long, thin legs was lifted high behind him so Vince couldn’t see it at all.

“He must only have one leg, too,” Vince said to no one in particular, “He’s so handsome, I’d love to go on a date with him or something. But he probably has a girlfriend or boyfriend… Wonder if we could at least be friends? I could help him sort out his hair, it’s like brown smoke.”

“How dumb are you?!” Bob Fossil, the commander of the toy soldiers yelled at Vince. “That guy lives in the big fancy building with towers and rainbow-coloured windows! He wouldn’t be friends with you if you gave him a chocolate cake with beans on it!”

“Ignore him,” a much friendlier soldier named Leroy spoke up, “Go introduce yourself to the dancer when Dixon goes to sleep. The worst he could do is be rude to you.”

The whole rest of the day, Vince watched the dancer as he never lost his balance and kept striking his pose. That night, Dixon went to bed without putting his toys away. When midnight rolled around, all the toys came to life and began to wander about the room. Vince immediately hopped over to the handsome porcelain dancer.

“Alright?” he gave the dancer his most charming, most sunny smile.

The dancer lowered his other leg, crossed his arms and frowned at Vince.

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed you staring at me all day,” said the dancer moodily, “You gonna poke fun at my legs, too? Or the fact that I’m a man in a dress? I’ll have you know the reason why I’m wearing this dress is because there was a mistake during my crafting. I’ve heard all these taunts before, sir.”

“No,” Vince said defensively, “I think that dress looks genius on you!”

“Don’t try and trick me,” the dancer stared harder at Vince, “I’m much too smart for that, sir!”

“It’s not a trick,” Vince crossed his heart to show he was being honest, “I think you’re well handsome. You’ve got three or four crow’s feet, but they make you look smart and like you’ve been loads of places. You ever thought about branching out into acting? You’d look good on stage!”

“I’ve never heard that before,” the dancer admitted, “I have to say, your not so bad, yourself. You have a certain pointy, prettiness to you. In the 18th century, you’d be locked in a box and tossed in the ocean to be tried as a witch. Now, I can say I find you quite lovely. My name’s Howard.”

“I’m Vince. You ever thought about doing something different with your hair? It kind of looks like brown smoke.

A green man-witch with a huge Polo mint over his eye in the form of a jack-in-the-box overheard Howard and Vince talking, and he didn’t like it. The Jack-In-The-Box, who called himself The Hitcher, wanted Howard all to himself. He didn’t love Howard, so much as he felt a strange, twisted form of lust for the dancer. But he wouldn’t allow this solider with the ridiculous hair to flirt with Howard.

“What’d’you think you’re doing, boy?” The Hitcher growled at Vince, “That hot piece of arse with the skinny legs belongs to me. You’d best be keeping your eyes to yourself, or I’ll tie your remaining leg to a rabid dog, n’ have him tear it off when you least expect it.”

“This is a private conversation,” Vince waved off the jack-in-the-box, “Me n’ Howard are talking, not you. With all due respect, screw off.”

“Watch your tongue, boy!” The Hitcher pointed his cane menacingly at Vince, “I’m sure you’d hate for an eel to bit it off. And how dare you fool around like that, you slag of a dancer! Right in front of me, no less!”

“But we’re not a couple,” Howard said as he backed away from the peppermint nightmare.

“You heard the man,” Vince smirked at The Hitcher, “Now could you go away, please?”

“Wait until tomorrow, boy,” The Hitcher warned as he slinked away into the shadows, “You won’t be so cocky once I sick my eels on you!”

“That was odd,” Vince remarked, “Now what were you and I talking about?”

“Do you like jazz?” Howard asked Vince with hope in his eyes that he found another jazz fan.

“Not really, I find that stuff foul. I like stuff that’s more electronic sounding. Maybe your girlfriend or boyfriend or someone has better taste in music than you.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, sir. It’s just me in that big empty castle.”

“Really? That’s great! I mean… I don’t have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, either.”

That was the moment when the spark the two felt between them grew to a little flame. For the rest of the night, the tin soldier and the dancer talked about everything from music, to poetry, to fashion, to what an unpleasant little twat Dixon Bainbridge was. The next day, Dixon spent all morning playing with his toys until it was time for lunch.

“Come down stairs and eat,” called Naboo the housekeeper, who was also an alien Shaman.

“We made boiled fish,” said Bollo, Naboo’s familiar who was a talking gorilla.

“Fish?!” Dixon wrinkled his nose up in disgust, “I hate fish!”

“We know,” Naboo answered uncaringly, “You say that every time. Too bad, if you don’t eat it, you don’t eat anything.”

Dixon set Vince on a stack of books by an open window, saying that the soldier was on lookout duty. Vince didn’t know what to look for, but he liked the view of the outside world. And, as luck would have it, he was close to Howard.

“I’ve never known anybody who hates fish so much,” Howard said.

“Nothing’s ever good enough for that brat,” Vince scoffed.

“Except for that soup he had that one time.”

“Soup?”

“Yeah.”

The two then started singing a little made-up a cappella song in unison about a tasty soup with carrots, coriander and crunchy croutons. They didn’t understand what made them sing the words to this never-before-heard song together so perfectly, but it was in that moment they knew there was a kind of basic between them that was unique. And it was also in that moment they knew this was the start of something special.

The Hitcher was much less amused by their song. He was furious that Vince was flirting with the man he lusted after. Yesterday, he did say that he’d sick his eels on Vince, and he intended to keep his word. The Hitcher hopped over to the piano and started to tunelessly bang on the keys.

“Eels!” The Hitcher shouted over the music, “Eels! Eels! Join in, boy.”

“Eels?” Howard said nervously as Vince just watched, not sure what to make of what he was seeing.

“Yeah, that’s a good one, innit?” The Hitcher grinned menacingly at Howard and Vince.

“Eels?”

“Eels up inside ya! Finding an entrance where they can!”

As The Hitcher sang, the stuffed eels that were usually seen around him slithered towards Vince until they finally pushed him out the open window. Howard could do nothing to help him, as the eels had surrounded him. The Hitcher laughed triumphantly as Vince helplessly tumbled to the pavement below. And to make things worse, it began to rain.

“Oh no!” Vince gasped when he noticed the rain, “My hair’s gonna be ruined!”

Two shaman then came along, one in a fancy black fedora and coat with feather trim and the other a pink creature that resembled a head with tentacles.

“What’ve we got here?” the pink creature asked in his nasally voice.

“It looks like a children’s toy,” said the shaman in the hat, “Leave it, Harrison, we have a meeting to go to.”

“We got time,” the pink creature, Harrison, replied. “I had tin soldiers like this when I was a lad, I always used to send ‘em sailing.”

“We have no time for this!” the shaman in the hat scolded, “We’re going to be late for the meeting, it’s come down to the crunch.”

“Oh my word, Saboo! It’s always the crunch with you!”

Harrison crafted a boat out of newspaper, put Vince on the boat, and sent him sailing away down the gutter. Harrison followed the boat on its journey, laughing the whole time, as his companion reminded him of their upcoming meeting. The boat’s voyage soon came to an end as it sailed down into the sewer.

“There you have it,” Saboo remarked as he watched Vince go down into the sewer, “He couldn’t handle the crunch.”

“Will you shut up about the crunch?!” Harrison snapped at Saboo.

“This place is well gross,” Vince frowned at his filthy surroundings, “I wish Howard was here. He’d be panicking and crying about not wanting to die ‘cause he’s got so much to give, but at least I’d have company.”

A very bedraggled looking fox popped out of the shadows.

“Eheeheehee!” the fox giggled madly at Vince, “Hello! I’m the foxy man, and you gotta sing me a song if you wanna pass! Or if you got any opium, I’ll take that.”

“I won’t be doing any of that,” Vince scowled at the fox, “I’m leaving ‘cause you’re a freak.”

The boat sailed past, and the fox started to chase it.

“Get back here!” the fox screeched after Vince, “You didn’t pay your toll!”

But the boat kept on rushing and the fox couldn’t catch it. The boat fell down a waterfall and then down a whirlpool, destroying the boat. Vince didn’t know where he was! He floated to the surface of the water and tried to get his bearings.

“I’m lost,” Vince sighed sadly, “I’ve no idea where I am. Maybe the Moon knows how I can get home?”

——

_When you are the Moon, all the people are always looking at you and making songs about how pretty you are. Jupiter has got 79 moons, and they all fight for who is the best moon. They make Jupiter crazy, always fighting and squabbling like hungry pigeons. It’s better to just be one Moon. Everyone loves the one Moon most._

——

“…I guess that’s why no one asks the Moon,” Vince said as he sank back under the water.

Just when Vince thought things couldn’t get worse, an eel swallowed him whole! 

“I have had enough eels!” Vince cried and started thrashing about inside the eel’s stomach.

Vince tried to poke an opening in the eel he could crawl out of, but his musket wasn’t strong enough to tear open the eel. The eel was in some pain from all the poking and prodding, but he ignored it. Eventually, Vince’s musket broke and he gave up finding a way out. The next day, the eel was caught by a fisherman and put up for sale at the market, where Naboo and Bollo bought him.

“It’s eel pie for lunch today,” Bollo said as he prepared to clean the eel.

“Dixon won’t like that,” Naboo said, “But I don’t really care. He eats what we give him or I’ll turn him into a newt.”

“Naboo!” Bollo exclaimed as he cut open the eel, “Look!”

Naboo turned and saw his familiar was holding up the tin soldier that had gone missing from Dixon’s set. 

“Don’t give it back to him yet,” said Naboo, “In the state he’s in, Dixon, being the ball bag that he is, will throw ‘im in the fire or something. Give me a second.”

Naboo used his magic and restored Vince so that he was like new. The little shaman took Vince into the toy room and put him on the table with all the toys, who gathered after Naboo had left to hear all about Vince’s travels. Vince only cared about seeing Howard again, who was still standing by the castle and balancing on one leg.

“Vince!” Howard’s face broke out into the biggest smile, and he broke the rule about only coming alive at midnight so he could run to Vince and embrace him. “You made it back! …We have to make sure The Hitcher doesn’t see you! He’s still crazy, and if he sees you he’ll kill you!”

“I’ve already seen you, squire,” came The Hitcher’s ominous voice from his perch on the shelf, “I thought I got rid of you for good. Guess I just have to try harder. You want me to sick my eels on you again?”

The Hitcher jumped at Vince, but Vince dodged him. The Hitcher kept trying to catch Vince, until he missed Vince for the final time and jumped into the fire. To keep him from escaping, Vince and Howard closed the grate to the fireplace, trapping The Hitcher.

“You’ve burned me up, you slags!!” was the last thing The Hitcher said before he was burned to a crisp.

“I still can’t believe you made it back,” Howard said to Vince, once the shock of what happened wore off.

“I had to come back,” Vince smiled at the handsome man he was so taken by, “I quite fancy you, Howard.”

“Do you now?” Howard grinned, “Well then we have a problem because I fancy you too, sir.”

“What’re we gonna do about it?”

Howard answered the question by smooching Vince on the cheek. That was the first step in their relationship. Many dates, and the eventual first kiss, followed soon after. Neither Howard nor Vince could remember what life was like before they met each other.

Years went by and Dixon got too old to play with toys, but he never got rid of his tin soldiers or his castle and the dancer that came with it. Dixon passed his toys on to his son, who passed them on to his daughter. Through the generations, Vince and Howard remained favourite toys of the Bainbridge children. And Dixon’s granddaughter gave Howard and Vince their own daughter; one of her fashion dolls named Sharona who bore a strong resemblance to Howard. Sharona was a welcome addition to the couple’s lives, and the three of them never worried about The Hitcher or his eels.

They had a different green nightmare to deal with.

**Author's Note:**

> True fact: Electronic music did indeed originate in the 1920's/1930's. (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electronic_music)  
> A cameo by my Boosh OC at the end, I couldn't help myself. （ゝ。∂）  
> All illustrations are by me unless otherwise stated.


End file.
